The hair is gone!

    

     This was the last picture of my with hair  I went to have me hair shaved and have my wig styled  yesterday... was inevitable but heartbreaking just the same...
      Those of you that know me know that I am not a fuss with your hair person. I have had the same hairstyle, well...forever. And 9 times outta ten you will see it in a ponytail. I spend alot of time on the girls hair. Not so much Savannah now that she has gotten older but Tori's for school and braids and buns for dance. I am just not a fussy kinda girl, preferring to be out digging in the flowers than doing my hair. Now , don't get my wrong I am ALL about the sparkle and bling, but even that has to be comfy.
     So, I wasn't sure that my hair was really gonna fall out, I was told by the doc and nurses that it was inevitable. But it was holding up pretty well until WHAM, I am sitting there talking to Savannah and a big chunk fell out in my hand... She got teary eyed and I started to lose it as I hadn't expected it to fall out that suddenly and the last thing I had wanted was for it to happen in front of one of the girls. I had strands fall out first for a couple days but then all at once there it was...

 

     Big Clumps , every time I looked at it, touched it, brushed it...and eventually just sitting and doing nothing clouds of hair falling around me... It is hard enough to eat at this point without having hair fall in your food.

      The hair part has been Tori's worse fear as she said that it would make her know how sick I am to see it gone... I keep telling her that losing it means the medicine is working to fight the cancer...But she has still been really sad about it. When the clumps started she was at a sleepover. I had Savannah go and get Steve so I had a minute to myself and wouldn't completely fall apart in front of her. But when Steve came up fall apart I did...He hugged me and told me it would be okay...and i knew it would but just not at that moment... So, I had a pretty sad hour then I let it go...

    All night long I tried not to touch it or move so that it would still be here when Tori got home and it wouldn't shock or scare her to see me...I dreaded that conversation...

     She got home in the morning and it was still there, I called her upstairs to get it over with and I told her "Moms hair is falling out" and she looked very sad... I took my hand and ran it through and showed her the evidence... she touched it and said   "okay can I have a waffle?" lol

     I spent the entire next day outside recovering porch furniture with alot of help... pulling weeds, doing what yard work I am able to do , with lack of stamina and surgical pain still evident...But did anything and everything I could to not think... and to ignore the cloud of hair that was falling around me.

     As soon as I had gotten diagnosed Steve took me to a salon in Uniontown named JR hair designs... John Rutter owns it and he sells hair pieces and wigs. Further back in this blog I talked alot about how hard it had been to find the things I needed to deal with this cancer...from button down shirts to mastectomy supplies. So, when Tori said how much it bothered her that I would be losing my hair we went and saw John and ordered a wig so we would be prepared when the hair loss came and it would be less traumatic on everyone. Along with the fact I knew with the surgeries and pain and the chemo I needed to deal with it and get it over with. I had blogged before about how well John had treated us and that every woman should have that treatment... Though the wig was very expensive and it makes me feel bad that we spent that much money on me for vanities sake, Steve paid off the balance of it yesterday...also that other women cannot have anything that nice

     So my faithful companion Steve went with me to do the deed... I offered him to stay in the car so he wouldn't have to watch my hair get shaved. But as always he stood by my side. I love this man!

     Inside the salon we went, it was another one of those days when I had to force one foot in front of the other...Though it seems that not much left to scares me anymore and I just go do whatever it is I need to do...

     The sound of the razor and the feel on my tender scalp is not something that i will soon forget... I kept peeking at Steve to see if i could tell what his heart was feeling... If he thought I looked hideous... John started at the back , so I couldn't see the hair coming off for awhile, but when he got to the front then I had a very short mini break down... THEN I LET IT GO... and I have NOT and will not shed another tear over hair.

 

I was surprised at the stubbliness of my head and how it catches on everything and tugs...I was told by fellow survivors that with the next couple chemos the stubble will fall out as well, I will be glad when that happens.

 

So this is the wig...

 

     It is pretty and no one can tell it is a wig at all... Soft and silky, looks and moves like real hair, actually looks better than my real hair..I love the front and the way John cut the bangs to cover the wrinkles and impending eyebrow loss.It is alot shorter than I wear mine and kinda wish he would of waited until I got there to see how much length I wanted off... It is a little uncomfortable to me and will take some getting used to, as I said I am not a hat person and the farthest I go is usually a ponytail...But I am grateful for it as it will allow me to be just "me" on days that I do not want to be "me with cancer"

     I had gotten this beautiful scarf as a gift , and thought eh I'm not sure I can pull that off... but it is soft and silky and pretty, and it does not hurt my head...I looked up how to wear it and tie it and voila all new me! And it is comfy and feminine...So I have now ordered several scarves and think for me the scarves will be the answer...even found one with sequins on it... :)
     Some days though I plan to rock the bald , wear some big hoops and a biker chic wife beater top and some cool black boots and be tough... hehe,... But really I mean it, I do feel strong in spite of it all...

    Then when I have important things to go to with the kids or feel like I wanna be NON chemo Jeannine I will put on my wig.
    So my sweet Tori gently washed my head last night<3 and Savannah is a little bothered by it, but she loves me just the same...
     So, Steve said I slept with the covers over my head all night...lol My head was cold and I couldn't find anything not scratchy to wear to sleep in... my scalp is so tender from the chemo...
     Hoping that around Halloween time I feel well enough to go out and dress up and not be the only one in the room that looks different and has a wig one... Dreaming of owning this beauty and making myself a really cool Marie Antoinette gown.

     I have 6 days till the next chemo... I pray to GOD it is no worse than last time that was about the most I could take...I am praying for and looking forward to the days when I am in the :

Once again thanks for sharing in my journey... I love you all... and hope that along the way someone may find some encouragement or some good in reading my heartfelt thoughts and experiences as I battle for my life... I could not and would not make it without all of your prayers...and for those I am eternally grateful!