I realize that they are expected feelings that I need to deal with and then let go to be healthy and happy yada yada ... But I am flatout mad...I don't think that I am any better than anyone else that gets cancer... I realize it is indiscriminate... Yet, still I am furious...
I am furious because at 11 years old I started getting headaches really bad ones, being young and so insecure I hid the fact as much as possible, I really have no explanation as to why other than I didn't understand what was happening to me and I was embarrased and didn't want to be different. I didn't get them all the time but when I would they would be terrible .I would fail tests because I just simply couldn't see the paper or anything on it. I would be panicked because I knew that I couldn't even see the lockers let alone do the combination...I would have to ask a friend to open it for me by making some excuse like it wasn't working right. I didn't want to be different but even back then I was... and I also didn't know who would believe me if I told them this, and was terrified of what the doctors would do to find out if they did, I was extremly needle phobic and doctor phobic.
So I learned to live with them...and live I did...Being fiercly independent I moved out as soon as I graduated at 17 years old...started college, held often three jobs at a time to be able to keep my independance.
Many jobs,and many relationships later I was having a great time , enjoying life with my friends...we were all broke but could stretch a dime a long way and always had someplace to be that was fun, though by the end of the week we were running our cars on fumes...lol
The headaches were coming more and more frequently and started to affect my job...I went to my local clinic and was told by the doctors assistant there that she thought I may have a pituitary tumor, I had no health insurance but my Mom paid something like $160.00 to get me into a neurologists office... she said I had migraines with aura and if it were a tumor they were benign and I had nothing to worry about. So, I kept working and having no money for medicine or to pay a neurologist and making too much for medical assistance I never went back to her...
Well, as fun as the party life was...I adored my girl friends and there were a large group of us that were inseperable...I was getting older and having been out on my own for so long I really felt like I was ready to be married and have a family...The relationship I was in was wonderful but this was the third long time boyfriend I'd had... after 5 years I decided it was going nowhere and I wanted kids...whether they be my own or foster or adopted did not matter... I just knew that I was meant to have kids... I had always known that I wanted to have a child before 30...
That's where Steve comes in... I had seen him in our local hang out bar for years...but he didn't hit on me like the other guys...just always had a smart comment about my cigarrettes or something...One night I was between boyfriends I dated alot after the last long term relationship because I wasn't about to go another five years to find out Mr. Right was Mr. I'm not ready. I was sitting with my girlfriends and I saw him walk by...I NEVER had made the first move with a guy...I asked a friend to introduce us...she went over to him throught the crowded bar I could see her motion my way and I saw him look then slowly shake his head "no" and walk away... Ouch...
So, I continued to date and see him in the bar often where I purposly made sure I never even glanced his way...went on for probably a year or so. I went to the same bar one weeknight to meet a friend she didnt show up so I was sitting at the bar talking to the manager and owner who were friends of mine... In walked Mr. headshaker...I'm too good for you Steve...The bar was nearly empty and the owner talked to Steve as he entered the door and apparently it was Steve's birthday and Dan (the bar owner) pointed towards me and said to Steve there's your birthday present...
We talked the whole night long...turns out when my friend had pointed me out my VERY drunk and not always attractivly so friend was sitting beside me and he had thought it was her that wanted introduced. And since I was so cold to him after that night I was nicknamed the "ice queen", and unapproachable.
I had all of these years been working my way up the retail ladder and had finally gotten my own store to run and a decent income.
Well five months later I was expecting our first child... i still was without insurance and got so sick not just pregnancy sick but very ill...worked till I was 6 months pregnant and had to quit my job due to drs. orders...Steve and I were in a terrible place he didn't know what he wanted and I was lost...no longer able to be independent, sick, pregnant and heartbroken I moved back in with my mom and dad since i was pregnant and no longer working i was able to get a medical card and had insurance for the first time ever....I was 29 when she was born...she was not planned but could not have been more wanted... and from the day she was born Steve and I have been inseperable... We have had some REALLY rough patches along the way... When Savannah was about 8 months old, I fainted out of the blue...my headaches got worse and worse ...so I made an appt to see a neurologist again... she gave me an Mri and after years of being told I had Migraine syndrome she walked in the room looking like she had seen a ghost...She told us I have a pituitary tumor called a prolactinoma...and very well could have died while pregnant...it was amazing that without treatment the tumor hadn't grown out of control and made me blind from damage to the optic nerve or worse.We married when Savannah was almost 3.
So, we went five years being told to not have another child because it would kill me, though I desperatly longed for one. As Fate would have it I switched doctors. This doc had a different opinion...after clearing it with my gyne we were told we could try...good thing because I then found out I was already two weeks pregnant.
I need to back up a little to tell you how all of this ties into whats going on now... I had gone to the gyne to get cleared to get pregnant and he had felt a lump in my breast. This was before I was pregnant. He sent me for a mammo and ultrasound. I heard nothing from them... So, we found out shortly thereafter and were so elated I forget completly about the results... Apparently so did they. I got a phone call and an apology that said there was an issue with the ultrasound and I needed to see a surgeon.
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