My Pink Journey

I haven't been able to go to dance which really has bothered me...but a blessing has come from it... Savannah Marie used to be here alone till Steve came home cause Wednesdays and Thursdays are dance...she spends alot of time in her room as she is a teenager...But now when tori leaves for dance its just me and her and she comes and lays with me and we talk and laugh what a blessing that is... Also as I brushed Tori's hair tonight after her shower I had the most grateful feeling rise in me that it will not be her hair that falls out made my heart smile that she will keep her beautiful hair...thank you God for those two blessings...I can do this.

Today I made my tired self get up to fix Savannah Marie s hair, because I am strong enough and SOMETIMES she is still small enough to let me--Beautiful hair she has always had- so lush and thick...pure blue eyes that are a mere hint oh how... beautiful and pure her soul is...I love this glorious,sweet,brilliant child/woman...She is one of a kind, not afraid to be herself. I am so proud! She has a quiet way and a simple grace, a self acceptance that I pray she never loses. She is herself and their is nothing more wonderful she could be... I love you Savannah Marie

...Tori kicked Steve out if bed last night, she reached for my hand all night and occasionally one little eye peered open to make sure she wasn't carried back into her own bed...i cannot imagine how confused she is and whats going on in that little head...been up since 4am...pain woke me... everyone got ready to leave for work/school...Took my meds thought I would snuggle down for thoughtless BLISS...heard a huge thud which was Tori as she fell and hit every step the while way down. Immediate heart stop...She was fine ,bumps and bruises but kept her home just to be sure...Savannah finds me at random times just to sit with me or hug me...Life is so much fun for her with her friends, but she still remembers me... This day didn't start out in a good way, but ended up being imperfectly perfect...January 4th started out as any other day with Steve and I saying lets go get this mammo over with because this year has to be better than the last... I think I knew what the news would be, think Ive known for some time...could just feel it...I have had such an urgency to say, to go, to do. Once the doc said those words It was as if I was handed a death sentence...still trying to adjust...my life, my body, the peace of mind of my kids...would change drastically. Today started out bad but ended up wonderful... Now it is my job to show my kids how to see wonderful even when its dark and hard to find. I am writing because I am still awake, I usually pour my heart out to my husband or Mom...but this is my burden and I need to work though this journey... I am so grateful they are here for me, but I have to learn to stand alone sometimes, just me And God... Steve is sleeping soundly and as I looked at him tonight I saw he was barely carrying himself...I am learning even in the dark you are never alone...I knew it ,now I Truly feel it... I am and will be okay no matter what...Please take that extra second though to Absorb and truly Love your "normal". Because you never know what kind of day the morning will bring...

 

This is just a little tip to any Moms out there that just got drafted to the unwanted breast cancer club . Something small I did when I first found out that has made a huge difference and made me feel a little more in control. Of course my first thought was my kids. I had my hubby take me to Walmart late one night when I didn't have to deal with people and I bought necessities...like... the tooth fairy still gotta come even when you have cancer. I bought inexpensive cards for everyone that mattered to me for their birthdays for the next several months when I knew I wouldn't be well enough...also bought report card reward gifts, Things that only you can get right...that matter to you and them and that no one else can pick out. So glad I did this as my girls were so surprised that they got a little gift tonight for great report cards...even though mom cant leave the house so much anymore... I am finding it is grasping on to those little pieces of "normal" that is getting us through. I may miss out on alot but I still make sure there is something special they can count on... its not much but it helps to still be able to do this for them.

 

About that Lacey humor...Toris behavior has been horrid...partly because she isnt feeling well and partly because I spoil them so much she is acting out because Im not at her beck and call 24/7... Well she does that creepy things kids do in the middle of the night where they stand silently beside your bed,for God knows how long till you wake up in the dark with heart palpitations...
Well I kee...p saying I will look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings shortly ....makeup is my friend... I am no natural beauty...lol so Bald, skinny,boobless...and wide eyed, Gollum and I will be doubles.
Thing is Tori is terrified of Gollum she loves him when he acts sweet but when mean Gollum comes out she is petrified. You have no idea how often I secretly daydream of standing beside her bed like that in the middle of the night, when shes in the middle of a tantrum. I know their world is turned upside down. But That would be flat out hilarious... A girl can dream , right? Come on admit it, you have all secretly wished something similar... as much as we love them sometimes they can be such little brats .lol

BUT GOD HOW I LOVE THEM!