The Plastic Surgeon

So, today was my visit to the plastic surgeon... I went with alot of questions in my mind...
Left with alot of answers, and alot of feelings...

 Well, the wait was long to get in to see the doc... they were running over an hour late and I was having alot of mixed feelings about the place, the receptionist did not smile and it just didn't feel like a friendly place...
     Even the patients there made me feel outta place, most looked like they were there for botox or to get their lips plumped , and here I sat with My Mom, Dad, and Steve, clutching my white cancer patient binder...or as Nora Brown called "it my book of life"...

   But then a lady came in with a scarf wrapped on her bald head, then another...and yet a third one... The last one came and sat not far from me...she had on a beanie of sorts...as I looked at her I realized she was probably my age or younger, pretty face...dressed in jeans and tennis shoes like me...soon she pulled that beanie right off and there it was the proof that she was just like me... her hair was just starting to grow back in...She was not ashamed , shewas just was herself...
    I couldn't look for long as tears started to flow and I was overcome with emotion...Not because I was afraid, or sad for her but because I know we are living the same hell, have felt the same feelings...and I was filled with joy for her that she had come out of that dark tunnel and was starting to see the light, her hair was growing back and she was there to begin her part of the journey that is healing, to get a part of her body back that cancer had stolen... and I at the moment prayed to God that I too would make it out and would be sitting there on my journey to healing ...
     A friendly young nurse called my name and we went back to see the Doctor. I instantly liked her, a tiny, pretty lady with a soft smile...
     As she asked me questions she listened carefully to my answers , then she examined me.  She asked why I was there and I told her I wanted to make sure that I couldn't have immediate reconstruction as I would like to get it over with all at once and that i wanted her to see my breasts as they were so she had a starting point at least to see what I would soon not have to show...
   The answers I got were honest and to the point, but not what I had hoped to hear at all...
    
So, the reasons I can't have immediate reconstruction are many...
First of all I require radiation and when you radiate a newly reconstructed area it hardens and does not respond well...
Secondly I am in need of immediate chemo and radiation and have no time to waste...
Thirdly since I am in need of treatment NOW , and am having radical surgery it would take up to six weeks to pull together a team to give me the mastectomy and then reconstruct me... and it would be a 14 to 15 hour surgery. That blew my mind I had no idea!
And lastly, to get the amount of tissue they would need to try to put back the huge amount of tissue I would be losing I would have to use my belly muscles ,tissue and fat, and also my back muscles just to get to maybe a B cup , as well as an implant... eventually which would mean many long, grueling procedures...and she said that all of those wounds would take time to heal...time I don't have to waste, because I need chemo and radiation NOW...So, that pretty much made me get the gravity of this.

So, I then asked her what I could expect...she said that I am having a radical surgery which means all of what can be taken will ...there will be no excess skin,fat,or breast tissue at all along with a large amount of my lymph nodes...and will have radiated areas that changes the texture of the skin...I think that was the moment I realized how advanced and large my cancer was , and reality set in that my choices would be limited...

So , long story short I cannot even think of reconstruction until surgery is over, chemo is finished, and radiation is finished then I  have  to wait 6 more months after the radiation for that to heal up...then we start the long process...

She laughed when I told her that I thought I should just be able to go in with two come out with perkier , better two...and a flat stomach...I was joking but deep inside I had held onto that faint hope...

So now I have many decisions to make but a LONG time to make them... I am disappointed that another 6 months was added to the time to do the reconstruction but am trusting in God that there is a reason for this...
I have to lose my belly muscles and my back muscles and go through long painful procedures for a long time to get anything back...and it will be nowhere near what I  have now...
I guess after they are gone and I live without them for awhile I will know what my heart tells me to do...
My first impulse is I don't want to incur more hospital stays more pain and more time away from my kids...and with my cancer being so big I will have to go through immense changes all over my body through the muscles being moved to acquire to get any semblance of normal...yet even after that they will never really be mine again.
It is not the vanity issue or having to have a large chest I am more worried about being able to wear normal clothing without looking disfigured... I don't mean by being flat chested but I will be far more than that, as a large area is void near my underarm...
So, I decided it was time to ask the kids and offer them the option of seeing what mom will look like after the mastectomy...as you other moms know you have no privacy after kids they are always in the bathroom when you are and you never take a single bath in peace...lol
Tori took one look and said I would keep them like that...I wouldn't go through all that just for boppies...that's what she calls them...
Savannah didn't really know what to say, but they handled seeing the pics in a way that made me very proud of them, they were not afraid and were not repulsed, they just thought ...it is what it is...
they do not judge people by their looks I have been very pointed about teaching them that...but had no idea how much they really "got it".

Now I do and even though I found out that it will be an even windier road than expected...that I once again had found the right doc, will be in good hands ...AND WE WILL BE OKAY... no matter what
because IT IS WHAT IT IS...

So that journey is down the road a bit...right now I am gonna work on loving and living...and revil in the wonderful things I am seeing in the kindness of strangers , the true depth of my friends love for me and the beauty that this life is... I am blessed and it is shown to me everyday...