The wait...

    
     So, I now have finished all necessary appointments, scheduled all follow ups... Been poked, prodded, tested, diagnosed, and then poked and prodded some more... It has been 1 month and 4 days since that mammogram and ultrasound showed the cancer growing in my body...
     The month seemed to fly by as it was never ending phone calls and places to be... I finished up with my final gyne appt just two days ago. Spent the whole day yesterday getting my bedroom ready for my long battle...
    Last night when I went to bed I thought , wow I'll have the whole day tomorrow to create and forget.  But when I woke up this morning I didn't know what to do with myself, there was nowhere I had to be.   I made the last few phone calls I had to make to set up genetic testing to make sure I and my children have nothing else genetically to worry about. To see if there was any aid available for the mountain of bills that are already here and will continue for a long time. Watched the videos the hospital gave me on the anesthesia. Also watched one from the plastic surgeon on reconstruction.
    I had thought I would be so happy to quit running around to all of these appts... but now I find myself with way too much time to think...
     My surgery is in 10 days... and it will begin the Biggest battle of my life.  The surgery has been on my mind alot today, not the fear of it, or even of the pain, but of the undeniable fact that I will have to give up a treasured part of me in order to have a chance to live. How strange it will be to see myself almost androgynous... How strange it will feel to be missing a part of me...I thought of it first thing this morning as Tori came in and snuggled into bed with me with her sweet little head on my chest.  I will be far to sore to hold her like that for sometime... and when I can those soft pillows will no longer be there.  Before I even have time to heal or absorb the shock of that loss I will start chemo and be far too ill to think of much else... Then the baldness will come and I will no longer be just another person I will wear the proof of what I am dealing with and have to deal with the looks that come along with it.
    As I watched the reconstruction video today the ladies talked of their experiences and it will take about 1 year to complete the reconstruction process, and 6 months to recover from it...  that is if I decide to take that route...So if all goes well I am looking at a 3 year battle...
     I have known many people who have battled cancer, some that have won, some that have lost... But I had never realized how it consumes your life...How much precious time it steals from you...It ravages your body, but it pales in comparison to what it does to your mind and your quality of life.
     I am trying to take it one day at a time...but it is so hard, I cannot plan anything in reality for the next three years... I cannot make promises to my children because I am not sure I can keep them...I cannot look forward to anything because my life is not my own anymore... I have to follow all of the rules set especially for people like me fighting this disease.
     Truth is the chemo terrifies me the most...I have no idea what to expect with it...I have looked it up and talked to others, but all in all put simply it is terrible, that is a fact.
     So, my friends today is not my best day and I don't look for the next 9 days to be any easier...As much as I want this cancer out of my body the process by which that has to happen is beyond what I can even bear to think about.  I will go and I will do it as I owe it to my children and those that love me not to give up...And that is a promise that I will keep... But I cannot promise to be brave everyday...to not hate every second of this... I trust in God but apparently I need to work alot more on the let go and let God aspect...
     I will get myself out of this bed today, I will get Tori Rose ready for her Acro pics, then help Savannah Marie get ready for her Valentine's dance... I will continue to pray for all of you as well as for me and all of those affected by this... But past that I cannot make any promises. Because today I am not feeling very strong, or very brave.
     I have been surprised by peoples reaction to me being forthcoming with my disease... Some people that I would talk to on a daily basis have just dropped completely off and I have heard nothing from them...Which is hurtful, as I would NEVER do the same to them... Others have been stoically by my side never wavering and holding me up in prayer when I didn't have the strength to carry myself... I have seen amazing things in people that will make keep them in my heart forever... And yet others who have just been absent for so many of the last hard years of my life are filled with regret and apologize. But, I cannot take on the responsibility of ridding you of your guilt... I have been here all along...Just because I have cancer I am no different of a soul than I was yesterday.
    Problem is when you the person dealing with Cancer it is all consuming...You are in survival mode, there are so many appts and  medical things necessary to save your life that you just go on autodrive and do what has to be done. Others that are not dealing with it don't want to hear about it or wonder why it is all you have to talk about...Well people like it or not... Cancer is my life right now, I have nothing else to talk about I have to consume my whole life with the goal of surviving this... and along the way still be the best Mom and wife and all of the other things a woman is...while trying to fight ...I pray to God I survive this but it a very long and hard battle that will eat up at least 3 years of my life... I intend to try my best as if God forbid something should happen my kids have only seen sickness and pain and not any semblance of Mom, is unacceptable to me.
     I haven't been answering phone calls and have accepted no visits, and while I love you all and don't wish to hurt anyone my feelings are so raw I just can't deal with anyone elses right now.
       I cannot even imagine what it is going to be like when I lose my hair and breasts and wear my disease so visibly on the outside... the ignorance I have gotten of my plight are so shocking to me. It is like when you get cancer either people think they are looking at death and they can't deal with it...or they don't know what to say, or they don't look at all...My God people we are still in there, and God forbid it could be you tomorrow then how would you want treated?
     I just feel the need to say on behalf of myself and others that are suffering from this disease... You cannot catch it, and no one is going to ask you for help or inconvenience you in anyway. But I cannot imagine any reason why human decency and common compassion would escape you and allow you to treat us as if we no longer exist...to not have a single kind word to say...

 

 

I would never do the same...and still after all of this will always ask out of genuine concern and compassion...What I have to say to you is... Go in peace but go...I know many that are on facebook everyday and read what I post, I do not ask for pity but if you have nothing at all to say to someone in their hour of need then you are not Friend worthy to me so please, by all means unfriend yourself from me, I have no place or time in my life to be hurt, and your absence is painful...and reading my business just to know what is going on and gossip about it is not right.

    I really do thank God for my true friends...and out of all of this mess I have to say I have felt an overwhelming amount of love and support, I could not do this without you.But I only need and want true friends that I can count on right now.

    That being said...I needed to get some things off of my chest as anger and hurt need to be felt and let go so I can heal...

    So, now I will get out of this bed as clearing my mind, and fears and hurts made me feel lighter,and take one step towards whatever I am strong enough to do today.

    I harbor no ill will towards anyone, and I certainly hope you never face the hell that this is...But simply put some things just need said.

     To the rest of you wonderful souls...I am grateful beyond words for you... I honestly could not bear this burden without you and I love you with all of my heart. My Gram probably wouldn't be too proud of this message as she always taught me" the ones that are the hardest to love are the ones that need the love the most" hopefully someday I will be able to do that but for now I only have the strength for me and those who truly love me...the rest of you need to find your own path...

     Hopefully later I will be in a better state of mind and will post something more positive and I am sorry if you find this upsetting...But cancer is not all sunshine and roses...And those that know me know I try my very best to live well and be positive in spite of it all...