I have missed out on so much do to headaches... misdiagnosis...and then the movement disorder that life has been a huge struggle...But somehow I made it work...I did what i could when I could and spoiled the heck out of my kids when I was well because they had so many days when I was too sick to even open my eyes...Or I couldnt walk ...I played catch up on my good days...
Yet it all still didn't add up i was just too sick...something was wrong...
Life happened and alot of life altering things, My Mom had and beat Cancer, My Beloved Gram passed away, my Dad had life threatening heart issues...Savannah had multiple health issues...so i didnt go until December 17th to the gyne and show him this thickening area that was swollen in my breast and upper chest...he wasn't worried about it but sent me to follow up anyways.
And here I sit full of cancer after another medical screw up... And i am angry... i am mad as Hell that I had to endure two hours of biopsies because due to the dystonia i cannot lay still or on my stomach for the required tests... I am Mad that I cannot have the Mris I need because you have to lay still and on your belly for an hour...
I am most of all angry because yet another disease is making me do less with my kids...it is making me break promises ...and I NEVER break my promises...and it is scaring the crap out of my kids...i hate this absolulty hate this and I don't understand why... i suufer alot , so i understand pain, I have an over abundance of compassion due to that fact... i go out of my way to be charitable,loving and understanding...
Yes, I do understand that many have it far worse than me...I don't need much and the simplest things make me happy...But I have struggled for so long...was all in preperation of this? the little girl that used to be so doctor and needle phobic now has faced so manty things that i am nearly immune to pain...
I have let myself get it out and have bared my heart as well as my weaknesses to you... it was only a couple months ago that i was feeling really down that i even started telling people of my health problems...about the dystonia and headaches and people helped out alot even then...I realized i couldn't hold it all in or do it all anymore I was at the end of my rope...noone even had a clue that I had so many health issues
So, but now I have Cancer...and here I am again baring my heart hoping to help you in some way with my story and also hoping that you can help me in this journey... I still believe in God, I believe the people are intrincicly good...and I want to live...but I just do not understand... I know I am not to question...Just let go and let God... but thats awful hard to do when your little one is sick and you want to comfort themas only you can but cant afford to get sick because you are having your breasts cut off in x amount of days and starting the fight of your life...I am Mad because this is robbing me of valuable time of my life...
Sorry guys I really needed to get that out... and I will be back to my optomistic self soon as i know thats what it will take to make it through this but i am tired of living under crap thats for sure...
You have every right to be mad! I would be furious!
ReplyDeleteI know what its like to be misdiagnosed for so long. For me when they told me my back was broken and had been since I was about 11yrs old, it was bittersweet, because I was glad I finally knew what it was, but was also scared.
my story pales in comparison to yours.
You n your family are always in our prayers.
Hi Kevin...thank you for the comment... I totally get how you feel ...misdiagnoses has cost both of us so much... but i realize that that anger is not helpful. I have to feel it and acknowledge it...but then let it go. Because all of those moments I waste feeling angry over what happened yesterday robs me of the good feelings I could be replacing them with...Your story does not pale in comparison to mine, everyone has their struggles, there is always someone that has it worse and also many that have it better... But I think the goal is to not let your suffering keep you from seeing the suffering of others.And not allowing it to keep you angry or to steal your life... because ultimatly we are all the only ones that control our feelings...no one can make us feel a certain way unless we allow it...So I chose to let it go... It is really hard sometimes, and sometimes i hold on to it for a good while but eventually I let it go...
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