Losing my hair

     It doesn't seem like all that long ago that Tori was desperately trying to learn to braid on my hair, she was frustrated and i kept encouraging her to keep trying and she would get it...and she said"But Mom your only gonna have hair for so long' sad but funny all at once...
     I got frustrated the other day to realize how tired i got to just get down stairs I wanted to go out side and enjoy the beautiful day...so I drug myself with sheer determination to the porch. The porch is my haven aside from my bedroom.
    Nature is glorious to me , the sounds , the smells, the sights. I love gardening and would rather be in the dirt than cleaning house any day. So, I made it out... I sat there for a moment and enjoyed it but then looked at all of the things that needed to be done in Spring and realized i could barely make it down the steps. And it angered me... I got a rake and started raking painful and sickening as it was to move ...it was okay because it was pain I had created, that I had brought on, that I had control over... After I thoroughly beat the crap out of the leaves I had a satisfied exhaustion. Steve and the kids came home shortly after and the helped me to finish as they knew. Even though this was such a small thing in the grand scheme of things, that it was a BIG deal to me. So together we cleaned out my little flower beds so that when i get the strength to go out I can see something that isn't messy and complicated but pretty.
     As I sat tired on the porch the girls and Steve started playing wiffle ball and It was such a joy to watch them have that minute of normal... Smiles , misses and hits, laughter music to my ears and beauty to my sight... I sat there a good while before i found myself walking towards them and taking the bat, Tori ran over and hugged me and said "mom?" Steve never missed a beat as he knew what i needed to do ... So I hit and wailed that ball as hard and far as i could, many times...The kids were amazed and so was i to see that i still had power left in me. I paid for it as my incisions were so sore after and my armpits, but it was a good pain. A needed pain.
     Several days ago I was able to work a little and created this sweet little bear "Flora" the wishes and Prayers angel bear...felt good to be able to create something again.

 

 

Today Tori had Recital finale practice, Steve had gotten called to work and she got "that look" when he said he would have to leave her there and then pick her up when practice was over...It twisted my heart so i dressed and went with her... I made it through part of the practice but between the heat in the building and the people around me talking about viruses and flu and me being at compromised immunity I had to go sit outside for some fresh air I was very nauseous. As I sat there many of my dance Mom friends stopped to say hello and ask how I was since they have only seen me once through all of this mess... I told them the good the bad and the ugly, well the short story of it... And one said well you look great... lol, well thanks for saying that... But we got on the conversation of hair loss and i said well they say i should be almost bald before the weekends out. Yet here I sit with a thinner but very much full head of hair... I have been losing strands,alot of them...but that was all. I said i probably bought that wig for nothing but that i have an appointment Monday to see if it needs shaved and the wig on... all the while thinking it would not be ready.

     How ironic that I came home and Savannah returned from her sleep over we were sitting on my bed chatting and all of the sudden there it was the first clump in my hand. I didn't know what to say or do, Savannah looked stricken and as hard as I tried i couldn't stop the tears. I did not want one of my kids to have to be right beside me when this started happening. So for hours now many clumps have come out...My head is tingly and itchy and if I touch it at all it falls out. I have prepared myself for this...after all i lost my breast and this should be no biggie, in comparison. But IS such a big deal ...to know that you are so sick that something this unnatural is taking place in your body that it literally makes your hair fall out. Not to mention that now I will wear the constantly visible evidence everywhere I go. Tori is not home from the birthday party she went to yet...But I dread the discussion that must be because she has feared this moment for so long. I know it is only hair but it was a little bit of normal and I have so little of that left..So little of me... I sent Savannah down to get Steve so I wouldn't completely lose it in front of her... But when he came in Lose it I did... But I only allow myself to dwell there for a short time I feel it and I move on...that's how I have gotten through so far and how I will continue to do so...

     I did not intend to blog again today but this just happened and my feelings are so raw, i needed an outlet...

    

So thank God I did not let Tori braid my hair and have it fall out in her little sweet hand, I feel terrible that Savannah witnessed the first of it, she said she was okay but then asked if she could lay on me...and stayed there still and quiet a long time till she fell asleep in my lap.

So this will be me soon...and with courage that only God can give me and the path he lights for me i will know how to handle this journey in the best, most honest and helpful way i can, still in the light of why I went public in the hopes to help and educate others with the knowledge I have learned along the way. I pray that I do not allow vanity or shame to keep me from life.
     

I will have my wig when I feel I need it and have some scarves and hats,,,But I already have an ache in the pit of my stomach thinking about telling Tori that it is happening, at the memory of the look and unspilled tears in Savannahs eyes, and the dread of hearing the buzz of that razor...
     But this I must move past as well, and make myself believe that the chemo is doing its
most important job...

And I will get to that point but for now I am gonna go cry a little and mourn the things that I have been forced to lose because of this hideous disease... Thank you for your prayers and sharing in my journey... Today i leave a little of me heart on this page... with Love, Jeannine