Cleaning out my friends list... if I haven't seen you ,or had a message, or phone call or a card... or you haven't cared enough to do the same for Steve or the girls I have decided that you never were friends at all... we have gotten far better treatment from mere strangers... you know who you are ,family, people that had been in our wedding , people that we have been there for ALWAYS that haven't... had the common courtesy to acknowledge what is going on down here. I figure 8 months was enough time for you to pick up a pen and paper or a phone or drop by...I realize life is busy but the mail goes out everyday...a text would have been enough... some of you haven't even bothered with facebook posts... and many that have it has all been for appearance so others think you are doing something that you are not...I have made wonderful friends out of the kindness of mere strangers... I have found out who my TRUE friends are and have realized which family treats me like family... Quality not quantity is what matters...So if you find yourself unfriended this is why...You have not been a friend... Clearly we do not matter to you enough to take the time to encourage or acknowledge so I no longer wish to call you friend...That is not what a friend is... What bothers me the most is what has been done to Steve and the girls... He has had so few friends reach out though we have always been the first in line if it was on the other foot... The girls well that is heartbreaking to me...there have been a select few and I do mean few that have remembered them and included them so they don't sit here all summer long with nothing to do. Before I got sick I was always the Mom that had the 15 girl sleepovers and the birthday parties where everyone was invited A card with a kind word would have made all of the difference to them... I can hardly walk, let alone haven't driven since December...I realize they are not your children but they cared about you and thought you cared for them...and they too have been dumped. So I have realized that these are not the kind of people I want in our lives. Even our "dance family" has saddened me... Tori thought the world of you and has not even gotten one card it would have meant so much to her. We had two members of the dance family come to the benefit and have had several reach out via facebook messages and birthday invitations that is all... Those of you that have stayed around and have made the world of difference you know who you are and we love you for it. Many of you accepted the invitation to come to the benefit... or offered help but never followed through. Don't you realize it was about the friendship , the support , not about the money... but by saying you were coming food was bought and prepared at a loss because you did not show up... and many still haven't even had the courtesy to say sorry I didn't make it... I am dumbfounded by people. I cannot understand why I had it so wrong ...but Now I see it crystal clear. As I write this I told Steve what I intended to do and he said do what I felt was right. Tori is upset and crying because she is afraid this will alienate people from her if the truth is spoken. well the way I see it you cant lose what you never had. This is not mean spirited it is honest and that's all I have tried to be since the beginning of this. And I need to completely clear my soul to heal. I would hope that you would act as adults and not treat my children unkindly because of this... I have no hate in my heart but there is a lot of pain in all of the hoping and disappointment, so it ends here by my choice. And I thought it was only right to explain why on my way out publicly and openly.I had set this to public in the hopes of helping people , spreading knowledge and along the way gathering support and much needed prayers . all of which has happened. But yesterday a close family member that I have treated like gold since the day they were born who hasn't thought enough of me to come and see me once tell me that I was playing the cancer card and seeking attention. It really opened my eyes. My life is full to the brim with those that truly love us... and that is all I need and all I want. Hard lesson to learn but I realize now that just because you give and love wholeheartedly some people will never be there for you and "family" is a word unless you treat some one like it, same thing with the word "friend". Tired of the phoniness. Period.
I have been around cancer ...but I have never been a patient... I cannot believe what it is like, it is as if you are thrown away... You are not treated as the same person form the minute you are diagnosed...the suffering and unnecessary heartache floors me... You get it from so called friends, family and even the health care field...We may look different and be weaker...but inside we are still the same person... I have always done my best to be charitable and help... but I was clueless until this happened to me... I thought all of the good deeds we had done truly from our hearts that if it came down to it we would receive the same back... people ran and hid and that is the sad truth of it... they were afraid to death we may ask something of them. When in reality we want nothing we are just struggling to stay alive...and to stay sane and to stay at least a semblance of who we were before this terrible disease and all of the ugliness it brings out in people... I speak too much I am sure and many find me preachy I am sure of that too... and have now even been told I am yearning for attention...but it is my truth and I feel like I am the voice of many that are to weak to speak for themselves...and if people don't want to hear it and face it...then there is an unfriend button feel free to click it at anytime... We are all in this world together ...we all need and want the same things... and we should be helping each other...and if the people around me don't have that charity in their heart then they just cant be around me or mine anymore...
Took over 100 people off of my friends list this evening... probably more to come tomorrow as I am on the fence about a few...and many more will also be eliminated from my life that don't have facebook..that includes "family" that has been absent... many have expressed concern that this is stressing me out or taking energy that I don't have to expend... What has stressed me out, causes me pain and... "hurt me" has been the hoping and wishing and believing the empty promises. I will no longer accept less than we deserve... There is no excuse when someone is this ill if they matter to you , you will find a way...and you will be there. I am okay, actually better than I have been in a long , long time... I needed to do this... Some ask why do it so publicly...Because I think both good and bad behavior need to be acknowledged and I am shedding a little light on how things really are, not how people create their image to be here on internet land. I am going to try to sleep now snuggled up with my little angel Tori who has booted Steve out of bed yet again. I am so grateful to have you all...those that are left as you have shown me what TRUE friendship and LOVE is...I do not have hate in my heart,,,but now I also have released the need the empty hope and the longing...and that was necessary. Good night my friends, I love you...and tomorrow will be a better day for sure now.
No comments:
Post a Comment