My Pink Journey

 

 

This is a lesson that is so important... I realized when someone said to me the other day "did you see how much weight so and so gained" that honestly I did not have a clue...I do not notice those types of things... I couldn't tell you what someone is wearing unless of course it is shimmery and glittery and pink and dazzling, now that I would notice...lol...But when I speak to someone or see someone I care about I speak to who they are and see who they are...not what they look like...I pray that others that see me throughout this journey can do the same and see me for the soul that I am not the hair that I've lost or the fact that my surgery causes my clothes to fit differently...some of the most wonderful people I have ever met have been nothing at all on the inside as the outside would depict... Different to me is fascinating...and imperfection is beauty as it means that someone has been, there, and done that and has a story to tell... 

 

That being said I am going to think long and hard before deciding to have reconstruction done... as no matter what cancer takes from me it will not change who I am in my soul...if anything at all it will add to my life... With a bigger appreciation  for the things and one I already love...and I'm just not sure that I want to spend any more precious time away from my kids and in a hospital setting just to be like everyone else... Especially since I am realizing how imperfect I found myself and how much I have judged myself over the years, when I had no reason to be insecure or judge... I realize that I didn't judge others and only saw their souls but wouldn't allow myself that same grace...What a shame that was ...and in an indirect way it has harmed my kids... I tell them daily how beautiful they are inside and out, and I have strived to make them be beautiful on the inside... But by my own self consciousness and not allowing picture etc... I have given them a complete wrong message...that says do as I say , not as I do...

     So yesterday after the long appt at the gyne...Steve took me to look for a recliner for our bedroom , which we did find and it will give us both comfort...for which I am very grateful...We stopped and ate at Chilis... I was able to eat my whole meal... and I glanced over to the drink menu and this big ole Tropical Sunrise caught my eye.... It was so good...tequila my all time favorite, melon liquor,grenadine, pineapple juice and sweet and sour... served in the prettiest of glasses .... the drink took me back to Mexico to a happy place...so Steve got a kick out of how much I was enjoying it, and pulled out his phone to take a pic... first of all he never takes my pic, not sure if it is because he knows how much I hate it and hide or because he has never thought me picture worthy...lol but yesterday I smiled broadly and posed with my tropical Paradise and enjoyed every minute of it.

Because yesterday I saw myself the same way that I see others and did not judge myself harshly...and hope that I find the ablility to do throughout this entire mess of a journey... I have to learn to love myself , bald and breastless...

     Which may be the big lesson in this... I would not think twice about loving someone , regardless of their looks...so maybe this is about learning to love me...