Well It's done...

     So, I had the surgery 3 days ago...First of all I was completly unafraid...I felt lifted by prayer...I had around 10 family members that came to the hospital with me and did not leave until they were sure I was okay. Steve never left my side...and hasn't since the moment this whole mess started...My Sister has been amazing...

Wasn't quite sure what I thought of felt about anything so had to give myself some time to process before posting... The surgery took only a little more that 2 hours...my surgical oncologist found a little more than we had hoped as she did my surgery... in the right breast where she thought there were 3 large tumors there were two additional  smaller tumors...so 5 in total on the right side alone totalling 7cm total tumors... The left side contained three tumors about 1/2 cm each... She removed a large fat strip under my right arm containing 21 lymph nodes...5 of those tested postive for cancer...so I have a good bit of loss of feeling in that arm mixed with nerve pain.
     I had been staged at a 2B pre surgically , post surgically I am now staged at a 3A T2 N2, the T stands for the size and number of tumors and the N stands for the number of cancerous lymph nodes.  Since when she got in there it was more involved than hoped I went from a 4 inch incision in each breast to roughly 10" incisions on each side...they go from the center of my breast to almost my back... I have two drains that are attached near my ribs...As the staging goes up the prognosis goes down, so I had an initial meltdown when she called with pathology yesterday... And then The realization hit me that this is not curable... I CAN go into remission,GOD is capable of anything, and I will not give up,  but the fact is that even after all cancer is surgically removed, even after chemo, even after radiation I will still be a cancer patient and my stage will still be stage3A.... I had been getting through by thinking that is i tackled the surgery and chemo and radiation then i would be done... I Pray that is the case... but the reality is it may not be...So i have to process that in my mind and get prepared for an even harder fight... But fight I will... I cannot say i am definitivly cancer free...But I will fight whatever comes along the way And God knows my needs and he holds me in his hands.
 
     My pain was well controlled in the hospital and I have been off pain meds for most of the time I have been home as I just don't like how I feel on them...
     Both of my kids were sick so I was off limits really until today when they were germ free...was wonderful to be able to see them without masks on...
    My sister has put her life on hold, taken my perfect neice out of school, driven 5 hours to get down here only weeks after having major surgery herself to care for me...she and Steve have literally done every physical thing I have needed to recover from this surgery... they have not once made me feel like a burden, they have been loving, compassionate, have not showed me pity, and have done all of the medical things necessary to make sure I heal...even the ones that cause me pain, but they do whats necessary and love me through it... My sister has to leave on saturday and I will be forever grateful for what she has done for me...there are no words... I am grateful for the care the love and for even just the time we have gotten to spend together...They have saved my life and my sanity this week making sure that I was protected form germs and lovingly cared for
    How I feel about the physical loss I've had I am not ready to talk about yet.. as the surgery was more extensive than i had expected and it was a big blow... I was okay  with whatever had to be done and I still am but the human side of me is made that i have given so much already and then got back such bad pathology...I am grasping desperatly to my faith and love for my kids...
     So, I just wanted to give you all an update, but today this is the best that I can do... I love you all...Just now Tori came in and asked why this terrible thing had to happen to our family... i am right now trying to find the words myself to see the positive side...
    Tomorrow will be a better day... thank you all for the prayers, and i will be in a better place to talk about this then...