Bone scan and my emotions....

     Ok, so after the terrifying experience with Tori's abdominal pain and ambulance ride to the hospital it was 3am by the time we got back home and Steve carried her little sedated self into bed...
     I had to return to the same hospital by 8AM for the radioactive isotope injection through an iv catheter for the impending bone scan... , a strange metal looking needle device injects you with it and the isotope almost looks black....it take 3 to 4 hours for the isotope to settle in the bones, you are free to leave, no eating restrictions, but are required to drink 8 glasses of water over that period to try to flush what isn't in your bones out through your kidneys. I was to return at 1PM to have the actual scan.
   In the meantime I came home and bathed Tori and set up her pediatrician visit for 1:45 the same afternoon...




This is what the bone scan machine looks like...this is just a stock photo (not me in there)... but they velcro you in strap your feet together and you have to turn your head completly to the side because the camera passes so close to your body.

     



   So, I went back to have the scan done... they have you lay on your back not the most comfortable of positions for me with this drain still in but I have needed this scan for a long time... They actually Velcro your mid body and strap your feet together, you are told to turn your head to the right side and then hold completely still...the machine feeds you through the opening and the camera is within an inch of your face and body.  Since I had NO sleep the night before it would have been a blessing, but the mere thought that something else might be found in my bones terrifies me... The rib pain I have had for so long has been tremendous and at times takes my breath away...the area that I have the most problems with is directly under where one large breast tumor was... Sleep was not happening, no way!... So , I prayed over and over and begged God over and over to not let this scan show any metastasis... I begged Him the entire time I was in that machine, and every day before I got in and in every waking second since...
     I will get the results within a couple of days...Hopefully the Uniontown oncologist I will see tomorrow can give them to me at my morning appt...
    Every time I post or say anything that someone doesn't deem positive enough I get chastised...well too bad for you.... I am not feeling positive right now... I am praying and begging and hopeful, and have turned it over to God....But life does not come with guarantees...and that's just a fact...If all prayers were answered the way we wanted them to be, then babies wouldn't get sick and die and other unexplainable things would not happen... I am sure that those poor souls were prayed for just as fervently, loved just as much and took all of the required steps as well... What it is, it is... Only God knows my path, and though I trust in him... The human part of me is terrified of the unknown.   So, as much as I would like to be Mary Sunshine all of the time, when you have Cancer especially at this advanced Stage it just ain't gonna happen...
     I do the best I can, am as positive as I can be, try really hard to make this as okay as it can for all of those around me...I try to have and give the most "normal" I can...and have promised to and will continue to Fight with ALL I have... and it is a fight... I understand positive thinking and negative words and their connotations...But, it is a F_I_G_H_T... every day to get up and MAKE yourself face the procedures...and appointments and ugly words...and bad statistics, and the PAIN, I cannot tell you how bad the pain is...it is a fight not just with the Cancer but with yourself...to not lose your mind...and to Keep your Faith...All of us that have this and have been here know and get it....but even those closest to us don't as we have to shield them from the reality of what hell this is.  Not just physical pain but the emotional pain as well.
    Not only do you lose precious parts of your physical body, you lose your peace of mind, you lose control of the immediate path of your life as treatments and appointents take over...And you lose most control you have had on everything...You now have to have help from everyone, which is so hard for me as I have always been fiercely independent.
     Steve has to call of work ALOT to get me where I need to be...the amount of appointments and frequency of testing for a Stage 3 cancer patient is unbelievable... But it is not variable, simply put if you don't do it, you don't live.
     I get aggravated when I say something and am immediately censored... "don't think that, don't say that ...be positive"... Really?? how much more positive can I be? I have not slunk in a hole, have not given up, have endured unbearable loss and pain...and keep going back diligently for more... My only goal is to survive this and in the end not be bitter and still resemble me on the inside at least, while trying to learn important lessons along the way... My whole focus is on living through this... But I will be damned if I can't have a scared moment or say out loud what my fears are, or voice the  facts of what could be, it is a necessary part of this process...I NEED TO EXPRESS IT AND AM GOING TO...and the very next person that dishes that crap to me will be TOLD...It is not right to censor someones feelings... and there is No right way to do this...I have to do it my way...Encouraging someone and telling them the upside is one thing but negating feelings and fears....not so much...
     I use every free moment to try to not LIVE cancer... but  to live as 'me"...
      I do not think that researching things and knowing what dangers are possible and knowing what to look out for is wrong... When others say don't look things up on the Internet... I think that is insane advice...well I left it to the docs and look where that got me... I am educated and use the proper research avenues... and would encourage everyone to do EXACTLY the same...YOU know your body best, YOU have your best interest at heart...and you are entitled to any feelings you have...to have any and all of your questions answered...and to be a part of your plan... And if someone tells you differently stand up for yourself and then get a new Doc if need be. Knowledge is power on many levels...you can procativly partake in yourown plan to save your life and knowledge of what procedures you will face allows you to process the fear and deal with them better...
     Feelings and emotions and fears have to be released... I do not chose to dwell there because it is UGLY there... but they have to be felt... all of it the good, the bad and the ugly... that is how we learn and grow...
     I do have Faith, I do believe in God and I try really hard to hand it all over to him...But I think we have minds and feelings for a reason... I Have to do this I do not have to like this...
    I smile because I am able to find joy in everyday regardless of the circumstance... I love because I am Blessed to have those that care for me... And I live because I adore this beautiful world and all of those in it... You cannot be any more POSITIVE than that... I know many people who do not have cancer that don't see any of the good right before their eyes...
  Whew,  I really needed to vent that... now I will let it go... and get ready for the next part of this journey...  I have many appointments this week and will update as I can...
    I am taking this step by step and conquering my fears as I go along...So many have said they admire my strength... I don't know that I deserve the compliment you just do what you have to do... and I will do that EVERYDAY because survival is not optional.. I love this life of mine...
    The bone scan results though I pray they are clean, will be dealt with in the same way ... I will hear it feel it...and carry on with what needs to be done to get through this...
    I love you all and thank you so much for the continued prayers and support...and talking through this on this blog helps me...
    I pray that my directness does not cause fear on anyone dealing with this disease or facing some of the procedures... Please if you feel the need , message me and I will gladly share any information i have from research or personal experience honestly and without any crap attached... I am no doctor but have found information from others that have forged this road before me have helped me immensly and have lit my path so it is not so dark and scary...