Well Two rounds are done and 14 more to go... Actually two more of these really crappy ones, then start on a new chemo regimen... different side effects for the new one... Mostly neurological , which should work oh so well with the fact that I am so neurologically hooked up to begin with...lol...But first I must get through the next two...And honestly these rounds have been far worse than I could have ever expected...
When we got to the cancer center today we saw Dr "have a nice day" lol as usual...she was surprised to see that I looked a good bit better than the last time she had seen me when I was barely hanging on after 9 days of feeling like death was right around the corner...
Was a kind of strange day as first of all the doc couldn't find pregnancy test, like really?? Of course it is a risk to have chemo if you are pregnant...but geez do I look like someone with romance on my mind???Anyways she thought we should just go home and come back the next day after the pregnancy test came back from hospital... We were like um NO...Steve had to work , I said Steve can go now and get a test at Walgreens and I will pee in it in front of you, just to GET THIS done TODAY!! I cannot make myself come back I can barely make my feet carry me through those doors the first time.
Then a nurse comes and looks through the file and says "oh there is it ...you had the test with your blood count". We were relieved but with a half hour added on to our day as they figured that out when they came back again and said my counts were kind of low and they weren't sure I could have chemo today...Uggg , really again?? So they checked again and they were okay so eventually I was hooked up and it began.So that added one hour to an already 3 hour plus process...
Heartache and sickness and death were all around me this time... A 60 year old man came and talked to us... He also had breast cancer which has now metastasized to his sacrum... he was carrying a bag on his shoulder that I had seen go home with so many patients...so I asked what it was ...It is maintenance chemo you wear it round the clock for 46 hours. He was a very nice guy who just pulled up a stool and made friends with us... Though as he asked me about my situation and told me about his he said... "So then, you are a stage 3" I said yes I am ...then he said" so you know then that you are most likely going to get a recurrence" I said I am well aware of the percentages...But thought Gee thanks for the reminder!!
After he left Steve and were sitting there waiting for my chemo to be done, when I heard a lady crying and angry... I had seen her in the waiting room and she had smiled sweetly at me there... I couldn't help but overhear her as the chemo room is one big communal room with just small dividers between... there is absolutely no privacy... She was angry and mad and hurt and my hurt ached for her... She was being hooked to her take home bag... and from what I gathered her Counts were so low that she was not allowed to go to the hospital to see the birth of her 1st grandbaby... She was heartsick and was recounting all of the things she has had to miss through cancer... I told Steve to unplug me and I went to her... I didn't know her and wasn't sure if she even wanted bothered but I couldn't help myself...so I said "I don't know you , but my heart aches for you, and I SO GET IT!!! you are allowed to be mad and hurt and sad and cry...because this flat out sucks, and I just wanted to know your name so I could pray for you ...and I wanted to give you a hug"
She cried with me and clung on and I realized she was there alone that day... I was grateful more than ever that I am never alone...Before she left she stopped by to thank me... her name was Sherry and she is 50 years old...had Breast cancer 4 years ago now has Colon cancer ...she has no husband and her 24 year old daughter is her world... and all that she wants is to see, to touch , to hold that grandbaby...and she deserves to. I had no words other than I understand and I will pray...
So, the whole day was full of reminders of how lucky I am to be a stage 3 , but how close I am to being a bag carrier...
So the second dose of chemo...uggg what can I say... started getting sick soon as the cytoxin bag was hung just like the first time... Got terrible sinus burn like I had breathed in pool water then the nausea, burning and headache started... I did not get the diarrhea this time...and the nausea has been more tolerable...But still sheer hell... I have been able to keep down food and fluids which is a big improvement from the first time...But the exhaustion is so much worse this time that if I can escape the nausea enough I sleep ALOT.
Though on day five I woke up with a migraine and knew that it would throw me over the abyss, so Dad took me to the ER for IV meds for pain and nausea along with a GI cocktail to settle my stomach... Glad I did go even though I am afraid to death of hospital germs...I haven't felt much better this whole course... there haven't been any days of creating... I did make it to the porch once or twice...
My heart is sad today because Tori had recital practice at the high school and I would have loved to have been able to go, I am so grateful that her Aunts have made it possible for her to complete this year...But she tells me that next year she will not dance because I cannot be there...this child loves to dance and light eminates from her when she does...And my counts are down enough that the slim hope I had of making it to the recital is dwindling...I was praying to at least make it the one night when Steve does the daddy daughter dance with her. But I cannot risk it, it could honestly give me an infection that kills me, I am holding on to that slim hope but it doesn't look good... One more thing cancer has stolen...
Found this in her backpack...heatbreaking...
This came across my timeline on facebook at a time when I really needed it:
Dear Blossoming Girl,
Yes yes yes, it is frustrating to go backwards, or what feels like backwards. Yes, it is annoying and downright exhausting to find that in spite of our best ...efforts and plans, things are spinning, whirling, and making a wild ride out of our life.
Sometimes there just isn’t a better way to get to get to where we are going, than to go THROUGH a wild patch of dizzy making ups and downs. Sometimes we want to go around it, but often we really must go THROUGH it.
We learn really good things when we are stretched, pulled, whirled and twirled. We learn things about LIFE, but mostly we learn things about ourselves. We learn that we are pretty darned tough, pretty darned awesome and pretty darned smart.
And when we know that stuff, we know we can do anything.
And then we don’t have to be afraid. We can just live, and do good things and be happy and pull others up when they are down. And then, we realize it was all worth it.
It will be worth it.
You are so very very very loved.
xoxo
Not sure where this came from but showed on my facebook feed at just the right moment...
As well as this:
Love u <3
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