Raging and destruction and Brain Mri done today...

     Round three chemo was done on May 15th:

I realize I have been MIA for quite a while now... I haven't felt well at all...Been really nauseous and tired. Have been getting a lot of headaches... And have been very unsteady walking. Not sure where the girl in this picture is nowadays. This was taken after my mastectomies but before my chemo started.
    

 

 

 

     I haven't seen her around in a long while... What I would do to have back that hair. All of that optimism that smile holds...And even though I was in surgical pain back then...It was nothing compared to this never ending sickness of chemo.

      Being as unsteady on my feet as I am I rarely leave my room, my vision has been blurry so I cannot work, or read, or do much of anything nowadays...But just lay and pray and live for minutes when someone comes home and peeks in to check on me. Or get a visit from Mom and Dad .

     When I went for my last chemo  Dr. Dai was concerned with my neuro symptoms. They are not a common thing with the types of chemo I am having now. I have one more chemo treatment of this type Adriamycin and Cytoxin. I started treatment on April 1st and have had this chemo regimen every three weeks... I will have the 4th final treatment of this type on June 5th. Then begin Taxol that will be given to me weekly for twelve weeks straight...But when the doc watched me walk and saw how lightheaded , and wobbly I got she ordered an MRI of the brain to be sure there was no metastasis there... I had previous neuro issues in the past but not of this sort. The one good thing that came from the visit was I had been severely neutropenic I had dropped to a .8 which is extremely low and had to have anything I ate be sterily prepared, no fresh fruit and veggies. No food in the fridge for longer than two days..No water unless in was reverse osmosis. Pretty much everything I was eating or drinking and able to tolerate I was no longer allowed. My Mom prepared me some meals painstakingly so I would not get ill as I had no immunity... but it was miraculously up to 4.3 in only 4 days! Of course at the same time Tori got her cyclical vomiting episode again and missed 4 days of school with vomiting and diarrhea non stop. Steve would sit on a folding chair in the bathroom all night with her. Then Barb would come after working midnight shift and take care of her all day with no sleep. Finally she started feeling better on Saturday.

     So, I have been laying here, worrying and praying, and sad, and bored, and discouraged...for a LONG time... The chemo had been affecting my where I would get a day or so break of feeling a little better before the next course would come. This time that was not the case, it has been misery and needing assistance walking the whole time, when I am lucky enough to get up at all.

     Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me. I was feeling really low...not able to bring myself out of all of the negative thoughts I was having. I felt alone and isolated and honestly wondered if I would even be missed if I was gone. Or if I had become such a hideous hindrance to everyone that it would be a relief to them. Overwhelmed is no where near the way I have been feeling. And so very worried about the impending Brain MRI results.

     I got out of bed and decided to walk the few steps down the hall to my craft room... I looked at the kids rooms as I passed and they were disasters... clear evidence of how little of being a Mom I have been able to do. I started making Tori's bed and within a couple seconds I was dizzy and exhausted and nauseous ALWAYS nauseous. So, I had a meltdown...I cried and threw things and made an utter disaster of her room...dumped all of the closet contents...her entire toy chest and most of her clothes in the middle of the floor. Sat in the midst of it and sobbed my heart out.

    In the middle of the mess with annoying stinkbugs buzzing by and my heart shattered and my hopes lost. This little chick that she had gotten for Easter you would push down its head and it would cluck and then lay a piece of candy...well, it started clucking and wouldn't stop. I threw it, banged it off furniture... even tore its head off and it clucked and clucked....So , I mustered up my last little bit of strength went in my craft room got a hammer and beat it with it...AND IT CLUCKED...still... headless and all... So, I sobbed more, then beat it till its head popped open and only the little noise chip lay there and clucked like I had never done a thing to it... I looked at it in surprise for a minute, then beat it with a hammer till the noise stopped. Then I gathered myself up and left the room mess and all and came back to my bed... I called Steve cause I knew I was just not in a good place , and sobbed to him and he listened and told me he loved me and that it was okay and not to feel bad about the mess. Then I got a headache, took a pain pill and fell asleep till the nausea woke me again.

     When the girls came home they came in to ask what in the world had happened... I had no words... Steve came home shortly later and he and Tori wordlessly helped me back in her room and never said a negative word about what I had done and together me sitting on the floor in the pile of messes and they helped lug and clean we put it all back together...It took till past Tori's bedtime and she was not asked to help and she did not get angry at me , she just quietly did what it took to put her little world back together...and to help me get into a better place... While we were cleaning she looked at her stuff and said mom I do not play with this stuff and I do not need it...can we give it to some kids that don't have toys. My heart skipped a beat in pride... She not only was not mad at me she realized it was only "stuff" so Steve carried nearly her entire room contents down to the porch where they will be picked up and given to charity... She kept a few stuffed animals , carefully looking at their faces as she put the ones she would give away in the bag, some books, her game system that was a hand me down and a few treasured dolls... That's it...that was all she needed... Then she got out the sweeper and her and her Daddy got rid of the rest if my mess as well as the hideous stinkbugs... Savannah also cleaned her room but she had come in to lay with me after school and we talked and I told her what I had done and how angry I was at the cancer and the treatments and that I needed to get it all out, and she is so Brilliant and her heart is so sweet and honest , she  just got it, no more explanation needed... So, she just let us go do what needed to be done... When it was finally finished I was really ill and had forgotten about my meds they were an hour late... So I was helped back to bed and Tori just came and lay quietly with me holding me telling me she had been missing me and that she loved me...then she said I think you need a foot rub and tomorrow I will do your nails... She didn't care about the room, the toys, what this cancer is doing to us...I still mattered and I was still Mom ... I honestly can say before yesterday I have never felt lower, never felt so useless, never felt so hopeless, I wondered if I had even made enough difference in this world that If I would be gone if I would be missed. I would never take my own life and I WANT to live, so it was not that kind of depression...But just an eye opening view of how little I was in this big world, just a speck of sand... And I thank God that the sweetness of my family pulled me back out of it and showed me that I matter in ways that no one could ever replace.... Even if I never get the chance to do one grand thing in my life that marks my spot in this world These wonderful girls that are like no other that my sweet husband and I have created together... They are why I am here, they are GRAND... and the love we share no matter what is insurmountable...

     I so needed to destroy that little chick yesterday to shut it up to throw it away...to me it symbolizes the cancer that will take a lot to get rid of but that I will beat until it is silent...

    I am still worried, depressed, sad, isolated and just do not understand any of this...I still miss the friends that have dropped me, the family that does not call or visit...it all hurts and it should, and I am entitled to it, every crappy little feeling that I have. And the fact I have them and am not prayerful and forgiving all of the time does not make me a bad person or a bad Christian... I am a human, living out hell on earth.

     So, I got up early this morning as my MRI was scheduled for 7:45 AM.  My faithful sister in law drove straight from midnight shift once again to get the girls off to school... I was even sicker than usual this morning the nausea barely contained and diarrhea constantly... I had no idea how in the world I was going to even make the ten minute drive to the hospital...let alone lay in an MRI machine for an hour... But I managed to get up , get dressed and Steve helped me down to the car and into the hospital...Today was one of those days when I got a lot of "those looks" so I am guessing I look pretty bad... I got sick several times before I could even register Steve my loyal companion stood loyally by the restroom door holding my shiny little silver purse and rhinestone sunglasses until I could finally make it to registration.

     I sat there praying they would call my name before I had to be sick again.  A lady was sitting next to me and she smiled sweetly, so I did my best to smile back... She did not give me that look, did not stare...just smiled and waited for them to call her number... But as they did she stopped and whispered to me... " I do not know why I have to tell you this, and this is strange for me to say or do. I do not know why you are here or what your story is...But ever since you sat down I have felt something right here" and she placed her hand over her chest " I don't get feeling like this, but I have felt it the whole time you have been sitting here...and I needed to tell you that I was led to ask Jesus to touch you, and that I said a prayer for you and will continue to do so"  I was in tears, and Steve was just looking puzzled as he couldn't here what was being said. She asked my name to put on her prayer list at church hugged me gently and off she went. I do not know her name but I cannot tell you how badly I needed her prayers today.

     Even though I got sick several more times before the MRI I was somehow (NO, I believe through prayer and the Grace of God) able to make it through the procedure... I should have the results within 3 days... and I pray that they show no tumor has started in my brain, I have placed it in God's hands I cannot handle one more thing...

    So,  I will call and get those results within a couple days, then do this last treatment.... then begin to have the Taxol which is renowned for Neuro side effects...

     But it will be okay, I cannot promise I will be cheery, or that I wont become destructive again...or cry my eyes out, or question my worth... But I can promise that I will keep beating this cancer with a hammer if necessary just like that noisy little toy... until it quits demanding attention in my life...And I can be that girl in the picture... And I will be ONLY BETTER!