My Pink Journey: Words from my heart, and Motherhood

Yesterday was Mothers Day May 12, 2013

I woke up in a very weepy mood... Tired beyond explanation...Somewhat weepy in a sad way, but mostly weepy in a grateful deep down in my soul way...

     It was only a very short couple of moths ago that I was waiting on tests and results and surgeries that would determine if I would even make it to this Mother's day...
     On January 11th Mom and Dad sat here stoically beside me waiting the biopsy results phone call... We already knew at that point that I had cancer but the words that we were told on that day were shattering... Large amounts of cancer of three different types, in not one but both breasts, many tumors and large ones...and metastasis into the lymph nodes...
     We sat there stunned as I told Mom and Dad what the nurse had just read to me, and I called Steve home to break the news to him... We all sat there silently ,then weeping, then stricken and wordless... We all agreed we would not tell the kids until we knew more...But the results were so bad that I made the decision that I would not seek treatment and would live out the days that I had not in the hospital but at Home with those I loved...It very much looked like we had little to no hope... I called my sister and told her the news... Though I promised to fight if I had a chance at that point it didn't look like there was going to be a fight...So those that loved me agreed that I would be the one to decide how I lived out the rest of my days and they would love me and stand by me regardless of my decision.
     Then I went about researching what I could about the results I was given...because I knew I would fight if there was a prayer of a chance. It wouldn't be until Late March after the mastectomies and a plethora of tests and biopsies, when I finally got my Bone scan back that I would know that I was not beyond trying to fight...and that I WOULD fight with all of my strength. I never told my kids that, just that Mom would do whatever I could to stay with them as long as possible.

    So when I woke up yesterday I was stricken with the fact that I was alive , I had made it to another milestone ,Mother's Day... There is no other day more important to me because my kids are my world... I have a LONG way to go to finish these treatments...and I felt really ill and tired yesterday but I got up and did what I could to be the best Mom and daughter I could yesterday...I couldn't do the cooking or anything else that it is to be a Mom...I couldn't even get out to get my Mom a gift or card...But I was here and I could be sure they knew I loved them...
     I received the beautiful Cross and massive card from Tori as she said none of the other ones could hold how much she loves me... :) Savannah made me a card of Roses in school and bought me a glittery one as well...Steve and barb...got me beautiful heart felt ones as well... Mom made me some gifts and got me a gorgeous Bird feeder made from mosaic stained glass.


So, I looked all over the internet for a gift for Mom since I couldn't get out... then I went downstairs and there it sat just begging to be her gift...It was an antique statue but not nearly special enough...

This was to be the Mother's Day Gift for my Mom...An Antique Statue that I repainted, jeweled and accented with seashells... Been Working on it for a long time, As I move pretty slow these days, But wanted something really special for her and I can't go out and ...shop... Looked around and there it sat begging to be shabbified...

I Wrote this poem for her too...(Moms nickname is Sunshine and mine is Boo)

This gift was created through art from my heart...
To symbolize many things, pure love just to start...
You are my Sunshine with your warmth and light...
And I'll be your Boo Baby for all of my life...

Just you and me sitting down by the sea,
tenderly I hold you and you hold me...

I tried to create something as special as you,
Because you've shown me love only a Mother can do...
I searched high and low but nothing else would do,
because you are my Sunshine and I am your Boo.

So ,in love I created "Just you and me , by the sea"
Because without you , there would be no me...

Happy Mother's Day, Mom
I love you all my heart, Boo

She loved it and I felt satisfied that I had tangibly created something that my heart was trying to say...

It was a short visit as I just do not have the stamina, but what a blessing That my Mom and Dad came to see me and spend time with me...and that my girls were here to grace me with their beautiful smiles and love...And that I could look over and see my handsome husband , the reason I was blessed with these gorgeous children...my best friend...

I do not pretend to understand why we are going through this...I appreciated my life and was so grateful even before this...I treasured each day, each hug, each moment... and so many moments get stolen from my with this disease... The lack of closeness, intimacy, and feeling of isolation is staggering... I have God and that I cling to but it is beyond imaginable... I am either sick and toxic, or neutropenic and immune depressed so much that there is no normal anymore...I cannot love my husband the way I want to or hold my kids without acting like Howie Mandel and being a germaphobe...But if this is what it has to be for me to have the wonderful moments back I will do it... It is the little things that matter to me, nothing Grand required... Just want me imperfectly, perfect life back... That is why I fight...

But in the end it will be worth it... I have to fight...I am GRATEFUL...it was not that long ago that I thought I would not get to fight...And fight I will...because I pray that God will provide me with normal again...I just have to be patient and let this journey play out and not let it win...not let it beat me...It is beating me down...BUT I will get back up...and while I am down I will spend a lot of time on my knees...

I love you all and thank you for listening to my heart... and I am forever grateful for the prayers, encouragement and friendship that I receive...