Got NO sleep last night due to all of this pain...mixed with the dryness in my nose and dried blood from chemo...I couldn't breath well in spite of saline spray... I get up often in the night to get bottled water which means frequent trips to the bathroom...last night everytime I got up it took forever to hobble over there... Finally at around 3 AM Steve got up and held me and talked to me...I have great Faith as you all know... and I pray that I can finish this chemo and that this cancer never rears its ugly head again... But I told Steve last night it is gonna take all I have to complete this... It is beyond horrible and I am trying my hardest but am not sure I am strong enough. The doc told me that if I recur it will most likely be within 2 years. By the time I finish treatment over one year will be up from the surgery... If it comes back that quickly , or at all, I am honestly not sure I will do this again... This is no way to live...this is... not living for me or my family... All they do is take care of me I cannot participate, just take. I am Stage 3 Breast cancer, after all of this treatment I will still be Stage 3 and the chances are great of it coming back...the odds terrify me despite my Faith...I spent the whole night battling with negative thoughts and trying to pep talk myself into believing it will be gone and stay gone. Dr Dai says right now I am considered cancer free, I guess I need to get through the rest of chemo and radiation before I call myself a survivor...I love this world, I love my friends, my family... but this pain and suffering and limited life I have lived for so many months and have the threat of enduring again or worse has me overwhelmed. I need to find my Faith again... and truly believe... Though what I struggle with is, many have great Faith and pray and Believe and yet they still die. I have been taking it one day at a time, and been doing the best I can . I think the constant pain and suffering has me doubting everything. All I know is I want to live... But this is not living. I cannot enjoy my children my husband or my friends. I pray God answers my prayers. I don't need my ife to be perfect it hasn't been for a long time... But I need it to be better than this so I can make a difference in the world and not be a burden. Sorry I am feeling a little sorry for myself today. At the uncertainty of my situation. I know we none are promised tomorrow, but I am fighting so hard and what if it is for nothing? that if it comes right back? the thought of it I cannot bear...I am Debbie downer today...sorry
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