Feeling UGLY...

      September 31, 2013  Overwhelmed...and a million other emotions.... I haven't been filled with too many inspiring words so I haven't been blogging. The reality of it is I am hating the way I feel, hating the way I look and hating the uncertainty of my future or possible lack thereof... The steroids and the Taxol chemo have done such a job on me... The first kind of chemo while it made me desperately ill and I looked "sick" from being bald and pale and dark circles I still looked like me... this chemo and  and all of the steroids that are pumped into me every single week not only have me feeling horrendous but I do not even resemble myself anymore... It was hard enough dealing with the breast loss and the problems that causes clothing wise. But daily I am gaining immense amounts of weight from fluid retention, swelling, toxicity and inactivity. The hair on my head is coming back in it is snow white and fine like baby hair, but my eyelashes and eyebrows are completely gone. My face is the typical steroid round moon face...and I have the same soft down that is growing on my head on my jawline... I hate to look in the mirror...Hate to try to dress. I have that steroid he/she look .I am androgenous.  My cheeks are so full that my eyes nearly close when I smile that I find this has even stolen my smile away.
     I am trying so hard to fight to live but it is so overwhelming when I realize that this journey just doesn't seem to end, After chemo then comes radiation. After radiation then comes either ovary removal or chemical menopause, which consists of years of hormonal treatments to stop the estrogen production ...All of which I found when I researched causes the same type of bone pain and headaches nausea etc that I am experiencing now. And getting the weight off will be nearly impossible due to all of the above mentioned things...Then I need to decide in the midst of this if I am going to do reconstruction or not...all of while with the threat of recurrence looming in the shadows...Though you aren't supposed to speak of it because that means to some you don't have enough Faith. And all the while doing it in a body that seems like that of a stranger.
     I am certain that these MANY months of terror, nausea, and pain have given me a sort of post traumatic stress syndrome...I have such a steroid high after the chemo treatments along with the hot flashes that the chemopause has caused that I am nearly crazy from being sleep deprived as well.
     I am upset with myself for letting my physical appearance affect me so much but it sure does... I am human and just wasn't expecting all of this physical chance so rapidly with these last 12 weekly doses of chemo... Not to mention the memory loss and chemo fog that I live in daily, leaving me feeling like an idiot when I cant remember the simplest of things.
    Finally this week after Dr Dai prescribing appropriate strength pain relief and anti nausea meds for at home I have been getting some sleep... I am so exhausted I drift off sometimes with my hands still on my laptop. Sleep is a blessing and an escape...But even sleep worries me because I don't want to miss one single second more than I already have.
     I get letters and wonderful gifts and food and uplifting things sent to me often and it does wonders to boost my spirits and remind me of the kindness and love of others and of how many of you are praying for me and cheering me on. And it definitely keeps me going but it makes me feel ungrateful and as if I am disappointing you when I speak of how bad I feel about the way I look and the constant complaining of the terrible pain and the fear...
    So, I am being honest and letting you know why I haven't been present and posting much my head is not in such a good place right now. My heart is heavy and my mind is filled with worry... My soul is filled with Faith and I am always hopeful and prayerful, and am not giving up but I am uncertain of most everything and feel very uncomfortable in my skin.
    I am tired and weary, but I am working on it though ...xoxo