Cancer makes you honest...

    Cancer makes you honest...
    They say life is not black and white but really it is...
     Exactly that... there is right, there is wrong... there is evil...there is good...
     I have made many friends through this journey, people that have reached out ,so glad to hear my truth and have me be transparent... Finding it refreshing and enlightening...And telling me that my unwavering Faith in God through this all has moved them.
    I have also seen many times that the more honest I am the faster people scatter... Some people do not want to hear the truth, do not want to face the truth...
    Problem is I have seen life altering things, I have felt mind blowing pain, I have shed uncountable tears...I have lived through my life journey...not just my own cancer journey but the misery and stories of so many others through life,  at the hospital , the cancer center, etc... I may not know their whole story but enough is written in their eyes and their furrowed brows that you see into their souls...And once you see it you will never forget it... You realize that it IS all Black and White , and right and wrong, and evil and good...And Heaven and Hell...We live, we love, we hurt, we feel joy, we die... simply...We are all one all the same just trying to find our paths...
     I have found on this journey of mine that I have to speak my truth... Unaltered, non-cushioned truth...My truth my story, not written with anyone's pen but my own.
    It just seems to me that unless the truth is spoken and the issues brought to light problems cannot be fixed, lessons cannot be learned...
     Lately I have been feeling hurt and alone and disappointed by people that I would have never believed would have hurt me or deserted me... but they have...Strictly because I speak that truth...Because I see something that is inherently wrong and I say wait a minute that's not right... Because I stand up for  what I believe in ...and that is just not acceptable... You  have to pedal softly and don't make waves...Because what you say cant be taken back...and before cancer I would have never said those things for fear that those people would not accept my words , would not love me, would not come back... When in reality they were not here to begin with... Relationships are not always what they seem. And unfortunately I am responsible for creating in my mind what I wanted to see not what the reality of the situation was...When it comes right down to the nitty gritty you learn what your relationships really are or are not made of...
    Problem is no one lives in reality anymore...we live in a world where things happen daily that are wrong and hurtful and harmful, yet we walk right on by. It's not our issue and our problem, so we chose to not get involved or to speak the truth...Horrendous things happen and no one stops to say can I help you...are you okay...or at the very least just smile reassuringly... To just take one minute to genuinely care...
    But Cancer has made me honest...
     It has made me see things in black and white...to stop making excuses and to stop accepting excuses...To realize that you only get one chance to live this beautiful life...And that you should never pass up an opportunity to live honestly, to love honestly and with all of your heart...That we cannot walk by and do what we can for others in need as we are all the same all on the same journey fighting to find our way...and we need each other. Learning from each other is why I believe we are here on earth.
     This journey is an incredibly hard one... and I pray that I survive it... I have learned many lessons along the way...I am sure I will grow immeasurably...but it is painful because change is hard...and reality is striking...And relationships are changing and evolving and disappearing...and new ones coming in...
    You cannot see what I have seen and not be changed, you cannot feel what I have felt and not be changed...It is impossible...And I find myself having a very hard time coexisting with others who are not experiencing such things...Because they still see the grey... they haven't had the Black and White so blaringly shone on them...And once you have you can never go back...
    They find me preachy and uppity and intrusive and too transparent... and now I realize that that is okay, that as bad as it hurts I need to speak my truth and move on, that our time together may well just be done...and expect nothing back...as new lessons await me.
     I do not give up on people...I am a fixer a doer...but I cannot fix some things... You cannot make the blind see...
    So I will continue to tell my story and hope that I help someone along the way, as that was my original intention to make something good come out of all of this ugly...
    I hope that for now I can hug someone that needs it...open a door for someone weaker than me...smile reassuringly when have nothing else within my power to do... To pray unfailingly for these souls that I have had glimpses inside...And pray that I get well enough to make some real changes to help others through this dark tunnel I travel...
    If nothing else comes of this I hope that someone may see that through it all I never lost my Faith in God...That no matter what happens to me that I am okay because I believe...That I will never blame Him for this...
   He is the White... He is the good, He is the Right...and he is my path to follow...I could not do this without him...